I'll be honest, 2014 stunk for me. Yes, I smile like an idiot all the time but I've spent the majority of 2014 battling depression and ADHD. There, I said it. The truth is, black people, (gasp, I'm black, if a few of my readers didn't know) don't say things like that out loud. We usually try to pray everything away. I'm not saying prayer can't help, but I also think God knows that a few of his kiddos need a little extra help. I'll go deeper into my theories about mental health care in the black community on another day.
My dad was diagnosed with leukemia in January and went through tons of chemo. He ended 2014 with leukemia. So, while, still amazing, he wasn't cured. No matter how many alternative types of care, we've explored, he's still sick and his mortality really reminded me that having aging parents is hard. Illness can often bring conflict. Conflict that may stem from years of not talking. Or just not understanding each other. When it comes to my parents, I'm in constant protect mode. If I sense you're out to harm, I turn into a horrible beast. Doesn't matter who you are, it's just what I do.
Professionally, I've just had a dreadful year. People I work with and for are probably reading this but well, it's no secret. I've over promised and under delivered. My office is a mess and I haven't filed anything paper in 2 years! The truth is, I have a hard time disappointing people so I overextend myself. Everyone wants an answer from me. Add to that a crap ton of turnover in numerous positions. Then, I spread myself thin and end up making tons of mistakes trying to make everyone happy. Lots of advice on how to make me better and you have the craziness that is my part time job. Yep, part time. You know the craziest part, I love it. I'm addicted to the chaos. I'm a masochist, I guess. In the end, no matter how many applauds or unsolicited suggestions I get, I have to accept that I will never catch up. It's just not that type of place.
My home life isn't exactly rosey either. We lost a pet this year that we'd only had for a few days. My house is a mess. I have more dirty clothes than I have clean. While, I love cooking, I just haven't had the desire that I once had to do it. My husband and daughter have been amazing throughout this entire year. But, I've severely neglected them. Yes, we take a lot of pretty pictures. People like to look at us. But, whew, I'm not the glue that holds us all together.
I've eliminated a few relationships this year. Relationships that have been around for decades. People who have hurt me or were, in some way toxic to my family. I even changed the way I deal with a few relatives. I can't point fingers on this stuff. I'm wackadoodle crazy and hard to deal with. I get that. So, there's that.
You're probably like, "Get to the New Year, New Me stuff, Kim!" Well, I'm not.
Let me instead share what I've learned about myself during this year.
1. I'm here. Yep, I made it through. I'm a mess but I'm still around. That speaks loads.
2. I'm surrounded by people who love me. I don't mean pretend love. I mean unconditionally love me and put up with my crap. People, who, after they read this, are going to call me, my parents, Bryant, or even each other to inquire about this post. This is NOT nosey love. This is, "Let me help you, love."
People love me so much, that they don't resent me for not calling them for a year. They aren't angry that I don't reply to texts for months. People who get that I'll never remember their birthday. I won't buy them cards and it's possible that when I give a gift, it'll be in a Dollar General bag. But, they still love me.
I've acquired this amazing group of folks through many means. Church, school, Facebook, work (yes, work!), family (not a given, but I have some awesome kin folk), and just life.
People who only met me when my Dad got sick have been so amazingly loving to me through this year.
3. I love human beings. I mean, I just do. We've had a few deaths this year at my job. The way people have come together to support each other has been so beautiful. Yes, the place can be challenging but in the end, I do see a group of people who love each other very much. A community that shares a faith and loyalty to their mission. I've felt blessed to watch it, even in tragedy. I may not understand the purpose of many behaviors but I can't question love. From feeding each other to just volunteering to set up chairs for events, that place cares greatly for it's members.
4. I hate two things on this planet. Bananas and rude people. I just pretend they're going to get abducted by aliens soon to get through conversations. It's awful but I'm acknowledging it. No matter how much money you have or what position you hold, I think it's important to be polite to others. If you think I'm stupid, that's fine, but don't be ugly to me. Sheesh.
5. Sometimes you love people,even if you don't want to. I told someone this year that I didn't want to make anymore room in my life for new friends. Haha. That I didn't want to be their friend because I'd lost enough. Well, I'm friends with this person now. They've offered me awesome advice and even come to love my family through our friendship.
6. I actually like the work part of my job. It's rewarding. I want to stay hidden from now on, so I can enjoy that part of my job.
7. Sometimes apologizing is all I need to do. So, if I've wronged any of you reading this, I'm sorry.
So, what am I going to do to make 2015 not suck? Welllllll, you all know how much I love lists:
Work: I made a work schedule. I'm sticking to it. I'm focusing on the work portion of my job, not the people portion. I'm being realistic and honest with my superiors and myself. I'm refraining from action until I'm given clear written instructions that I understand and I'm cleaning my awful office! I'm taking things day by day. If I don't finish things, I have to be honest with myself about why. I've made this beast and now I'm ready to tame it. I'm done going backwards. I'm going to do my very best every single day to get caught up and if that's not good enough, I'll feel just fine going home. No more excuses, just the truth. Take that work beast! Boundaries for them and boundaries for me. I'm not going to get angry anymore when I don't get a response to emails for weeks. People have other stuff to do besides answer me, right? Right. No one's universe revolves around me and my questions. I'm not going to answer emails at night anymore. Twice a day at 10:00 and 2:00. I've also scheduled a vacation this year! :) They're getting organized Kim and I hope they're ready! :)
Home: We now have a command center for the house. Thanks to the husband, everyone's calendar is visible. Hopefully now, I won't forget to pick up my child on early release days. Our meals are even listed on the calendar. I've already started taming the laundry monster and I have a huge bag of donations. I'm purging my coupon stockpile and giving it to friends. My house will be organized, Dangit! Come heck or high water. We cancelled our cable. Partly, because I'm a cheapskate but also to focus more on our family during the week. My medium person starts public school this semester and has confirmation at church. We are going to have a new and exciting year with lots of events to attend. We(meaning I) just need to focus and reality tv is a huge distraction for me during the week.
I've also given up Redbull and wine. Both are expensive distractions that, in the end, make me sleepy.
I'm also not going to be making any more plans without letting the husband know.
Family: I'm going to reply to every single "happy new year" message I get. Even though I hate those. Haha. I'm just going to be more understanding of these folks who share my blood. :) We're a wild lot and I have to remind myself that people still see me as the baby, even after 31 years.
I'm subscribing to one of those card service things to send people cards on holidays and birthdays. It's not personal but Dangit, I'm trying!
Friends: I'm going to try to be less crazy, this year. I hope I can do you all justice. I'm going to love harder and more often.
I'll answer phone calls and texts this year, I promise.
Me: I need to run again. I do. I need it badly. So, I'm going to. I'm going to work on repairing my body, soul, and mind. If I determine that I need to shake things up to repair myself, I'll do just that. I want to suck less this year. Sounds awful saying it that way. But I do. I just want to be a better human.
So, there's my answer, for my 2015 not to suck, I have to make it not suck.
By the way, I'm on a no eating out financial challenge in January, but that doesn't mean I can't eat out with any of you if you're buying! Hahahaha. Just kidding. (Not really)
Happy new year ya'll. ;)